Archive for Family

Mornings SUCK

Posted in List with tags , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2017 by Jessica Crichton

Today, I am tired.

I promised myself I would write one blog post every day. That was on a good day. Today is a not-so-good-day. It’s a walking-in-molasses day. An I-need-to-be-in-bed day. One of those days I dread when I say I hate mornings. The whole REASON I hate mornings. Normally I’d put off my blog today, and replace it with a form of staring off into nothing in-between registering patients at the ER (my day job; folks gotta eat!) but I’m trying to write at least a little every day, so you all get a molasses post from me instead of a dead-eyed stare that you’ll never see because you’re not here with me anyway. In fact, I think I’ll even do one of those list posts people seem so keen on. Just cuz… well… I’m lazy today.

Congrats!

Jessi’s Top Five Reasons why Mornings SUCK (™)

5) Circumstantial Strife

I’ll begin by saying that I don’t hate mornings, per say. They can be quite lovely and peaceful under the right circumstances. My problem is that the circumstances are almost never right for me. As a night person, I quite literally gain energy as the day goes on, culminating in a brilliant burst of creativity and motivation…. juuuuuuust in time to go to bed.

Poopfarts.

Tossing and turning because you have to try to sleep when your brain is at its most active and energetic is not fun. Nor is knowing that inevitably, when you wake in the morning you WILL have a case of…

4) Feeling Like You’re Hungover EVERY MORNING

You know that feeling. Faintly dizzy. A bit like you might have a fever but you know you don’t. Slow in thought and slower in body. Muscles tight. Eyes like sandpaper. Knowing that you COULD do something amazing today, if only you didn’t feel like you had been hit by a 12-lb bag of Sandman brand sandpaper. Hungover? Nope. Just another morning in the life of a night person. It’s normal. Average. Torture, but expected nonetheless. Every morning.

Forever.

It doesn’t help matters either, that…

3) Morning People Assume You’re Lazy

Okay. Can I rant for a moment? Thanks.

If I hear one more variance on “Why don’t you just go to bed earlier?” I will start stuffing pillows down throats. Remember #5? Remember how I CAN’T fall asleep when I’m supposed to? What makes people think that going to bed even EARLIER would help? Before you remind me that I said I get more energy as the day goes on, let me explain that the latest I feel tired enough to sleep tends to be between 12 and 2 P.M. So really, these people are telling me I should go to bed in the afternoon. Yeahhh… no.

Sorry. Didn’t mean to go off there. This one just irks me a lot. The assumption that night people are lazy because we’re either tired or asleep in the morning assumes that we do nothing all night. In fact, many of us do what morning people do during the day – we work. We just do it at different times. How does that make one lazy? I still don’t have an answer for that, but something tells me it has something to do with…

2) Societal Expectations

Why, you may ask, do I get up early if it’s so painful to do so? Remember that day job I mentioned before? Yeah. That. Day people run the world, after all. Even though we now have electric lights and computers and lack of superstition (in comparison to our ancestors, anyway), most “respectable” jobs (I.E. ones you can make a decent living at) are daytime hours, and daytimes hours tend to begin no later than 8 A.M.

My own begins at 7.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am SERIOUSLY thankful for my job, and to be fair, working in a hospital I could have any kind of hours; I was just “lucky” enough to land an early shift. That said, it doesn’t negate the fact that society expects human beings to be chipper and bright early in the morning, and if you’re not, there MUST be something wrong with you. Mentally, maybe? Or physically? Are you depressed? Are you sick?

WHY ARE YOU SO TIRED? What’s WRONG with you? DON’T YOU LIKE THE SUNSHINE? AAAA!

Okay, so maybe it’s not quite that bad, but sometimes it sure does feel like it. And when the society around you tells you something often enough you begin to believe it, which for night people results in a lot of…

1) Self-Doubt

My first ex used to tell me all the time that if I just TRIED harder, went to sleep sooner, and accepted that I’d be sleepy in the morning, I wouldn’t be so lazy. Nevermind that I had spent the entire night cleaning the whole house, a thing which he would have been quite happy for had I done it while the sun shone. Nope, forget all that. Because I now had to get some sleep from all that work, I was lazy. Sun + sleep = lazy.

Sun + sleep = lazy.

Sun + sleep = lazy.

Sun + sleep = lazy.

Sun + sleep = lazy.

Sun + sleep = lazy.

…told that over and over and over again for years, I ended up truly believing I was lazy. It didn’t matter how hard I tried to make up for that laze by cleaning all night or forcing myself to stay awake in the torturous mornings. Because I WAS tired during the day and I WAS awake at night, there was something wrong with me. I believed it, not only because my husband was telling me so, but because every TV show, movie, book, and acquaintance on the street agreed with him. “Early to bed and early to rise” isn’t just a mantra for our society it’s a holy code. If you don’t follow that code, even if you can’t because your body simply doesn’t work that way, then you’re wrong. Unholy. Outcast.

Well crud. I wanted to do a lighthearted, fun post today for once. I guess I still have some stuff to work through. I also guess this is my new therapy.

Well… this should be fun!

Also, to answer the above for myself: there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m just a night person stuck in a day world.

There. Happy ending. 😉

Finding Me

Posted in Mental Health, Writing with tags , , , , , , on October 19, 2017 by Jessica Crichton

Today, I’m thinking about paying it back.

Over the course of the last year, I have had some wonderful friends step up and help me out WAYYYY more than I ever wanted to need. Oftentimes this help came in the form of money, especially when I lost my job back in March. (Did I forget that part yesterday? Yeah… it was pretty easy to believe I’d lost every ounce of good luck I ever had for a while there!) I spent a great deal of time feeling guilty for that, and trying to figure out how to pay them back. For me, money was the only way to repay money, and I had none, so you can imagine how frustrating it became. A vicious cycle of feeling not good enough. One wonderful friend even made me promise NOT to pay her back. “I don’t want this to become a burden on our friendship,” she’d said. I’d appreciated that at the time, but didn’t understand how my presence in her life was at all beneficial to her – or anyone else, for that matter. In the darkest times, while I never considered suicide (because I refused to put my kids through that) I did seriously consider removing myself from everyone’s life for their own good. After all, the only thing I ever seemed to do anymore was take. I desperately wanted to give, but I literally had nothing to offer. For a long while, I didn’t even have the emotional energy to be there for them when they needed to talk about their own lives for once.

So why did my friends still want to be my friends?

Coming out of the dark has been a slow processes, but one big step up in it was finally landing a great, stable job with benefits in July. I now have an income again, but I’m still struggling a bit to get stabilized from the financial blast effect. For that reason I still can’t pay my friends back in money.

But if there’s anything I have learned this past year, it’s that money isn’t the most important thing in life.

Finding myself again has meant a lot of inner contemplation, meditation, therapy, and other hefty mental and emotional exercise. All to answer a question that some find easy to solve, but far too many struggle with:

What is GOOD about me?

I have always been GREAT at self-deprecation. Nobody has been better at owning my flaws than me. Even when I was shown this past year just how awful those flaws can be, while it was hard to see, it was soooo easy to accept. After all, I’d spent my whole life practicing the art of self-abuse. Self-hatred was only a natural next step in that processes.

And I have never hated myself more than I have this past year.

Healing doesn’t happen when you keep ripping off the scabs. Reliving my flaws every day, hating myself more and more, I could barely breathe, let alone heal. But for a long time I didn’t think I even had the right to. And that’s where any kind of hope to do so ended. In order to even begin healing, I had to learn to believe I deserved it, and I just didn’t have that in me. My self-hatred was so strong that I literally couldn’t come up with anything positive to say about myself without automatically adding a million “buts” and negative caveats to it.

I couldn’t SEE myself.

But my friends could.

Why did they keep helping me when all I deserved was pain? Why did they stay in my life when all I could give them was a burden? If I was such a terrible person, why did they still care about me?

Knowing the answer, I realized, was VITAL in finding a way to even begin crawling out of that terrible black hole.

And so I asked them. Sometimes on Facebook, sometimes in person, but never just once. I didn’t believe the answers. I desperately wanted to, but just… couldn’t. So I kept asking. It was almost a desperation, and not at all logical. Some people got tired of it, and more than a few unfriended and even blocked me. Many stated that I was needy, overly emotional, and shared too many personal things. Others never would be able to answer at all. My first ex, and father of my children, asked me “do you even HAVE friends anymore?” (I still don’t blame him for that, but to understand why you have to know details, and I won’t be giving any.)

But there were a few very special, wonderful friends who refused to give up on me. They answered my questions every time, always with the same answer, though sometimes stated differently.

Why did they keep helping me when all I deserved was pain?

Because I helped them in the past.

Why did they stay in my life when all I could give them was a burden?

Because I deserved friends and light in my life.

If I was such a terrible person, why did they still care about me?

Because I wasn’t a terrible person at all. Because I was a good person, and they loved me for me.

After a while, the questions and answers turned into conversations. They reminded me of things I did for them in the past: Listening to them when they needed me. Giving them food or helping them clean their homes, or teaching them things. Even being a source of inspiration as a writer and – and this was the hardest to accept – as a mother. Most of these things I had entirely forgotten about. I was good at remembering every terrible thing I had thought, done, and felt, but terrible at remembering anything good. My friends were my memory, and they helped me begin to see myself as a whole human again.

In the end, though, it was one of my children who finally broke through and let the full, glorious light in, by showing me a video he said he thought I needed to see. You can find it here, but warning: it may trigger some deep pain if you have ever hated yourself. That said, it is mighty in the healing department too. It’s funny though; I didn’t cry until my son turned to me and said, “Don’t listen to the demon, Mom.” Then everything came pouring out, and my children held me as I cried.

Even now, writing that brings tears. But they are good tears. Healing tears.

I’m still pulling myself out of the shadows. Some days they overwhelm me, even now. But my friends, and my children, have shown me how I not only CAN pay them back, but how I have paid them forward in the past. Not with money, but with the Me I forgot I was. The Me they reminded me of.

And you know what? I kinda like her, too.

Purple

Posted in LGBTQ with tags , , , , , on September 8, 2016 by Jessica Crichton

purple

purple-pg-1 purple-pg-2 purple-pg-3 purple-pg-4 purple-pg-5 purple-pg-6

The Adventures of Bailey Boots #9: Adventures in PhotoShop

Posted in Bailey Boots, Comics with tags , , on May 20, 2015 by Jessica Crichton

Bailey Boots is a curious girl. She tries new things every day.

BaileyComputer1

Today, Bailey Boots is curious about computers!

BaileyComputer3

But you know, Bailey Boots, there are a lot of things to discover on a computer. What do you want to explore today?

BaileyComputer4

“Ohh, ohh art!” says Bailey Boots.

BaileyComputer5

Ah! How about Photoshop? It’s a program a lot of artists use to make pretty pictures.

“YES! That sounds perfect!” says Bailey Boots. “What can you do with Photoshop?”

BaileyComputer54

Well, you can solarize. That’s turning a picture stark black and white.

BaileyComputer42

Or color balance. You can make a picture TOTALLY pink! Isn’t it cuuuute?

BaileyComputer44

You can do blue with red…

BaileyComputer38

… or red with blue!

BaileyComputer40

Or just totally red!

BaileyComputer47

RAINBOWS!

“Uh–“

BaileyComputer45

FROGGY!

“Um–“

BaileyComputer48

But it’s not all colors. You can also go all fuzzy!

“What–“

BaileyComputer55

Or 3-D!

“How–“

BaileyComputer56

Or — wait — even POLKA DOTS!”

BaileyComputer57

You can even bend your art all over!

“AAHHHH!”

BaileyComputer15

Bendy, bendy BENDY!

“I’m gonna throw UUUUUP!”

BaileyComputer16

Ooh — ooh — or all blacky or browny or–

“STOOOOOOOP!”

output_vFBXYb

What? Don’t you want to know more about Photoshop?

“I think… that’s enough adventure for tod–“

BaileyComputer58

“Wait.”

What?

BaileyComputer51

“Wasn’t Moo yellow before?”

BaileyComputer49

Isn’t he?

BaileyComputer53

BaileyComputer49

BaileyComputer53

“Um…”

BaileyComputer50

Happy Bailey Boots!

BaileyComputer49 Happy Happy!

The Adventures of Bailey Boots #8: Nothing Moo Here

Posted in Bailey Boots, Comics, Kids, Reading with tags , , , on April 10, 2015 by Jessica Crichton

BaileyBedroom1

Bailey Boots is a curious girl. She tr–

Wait. Where is Bailey Boots?

BaileyBedroom1

“No!”

… uh… says Bailey Boots? Silly B–

“I won’t come out! You can’t make me!”

But… Bailey Boots. Don’t you want an adventure?

BaileyBedroom4

 “No.”

But… why not?

“It’s scary.”

BaileyBedroom2

Please come out.

“No.”

Okay, okay. If I promise no more cows, will you come out?

BaileyBedroom5

“No more cows?”

No more cows.

“Promise?”

Cross my heart.

BaileyBedroom6

“Oh… okay. As long as there’s no more cows.”

… says Bailey Boots?

“Don’t push it.”

BaileyBedroom7

Okay! We’re back in business!

*Ahem*

Bailey Boots is a curious girl. She tries new things every d–

BaileyBedroom8

“Wait.”

… what now?

BaileyBedroom9

“Where’s Moo?”

Moo?

BaileyBedroom6

“Yeah. He’s supposed to be on my shoulder now, remember?”

You… never really had Moo. You know that, right? Moo was a charac–

BaileyBedroom13

“No Moo, no me.”

Bailey Boo–

BaileyBedroom10

“Get Moo back, then we’ll talk Miss Big Writer Lady.”

Bailey, be reasonable.

“Moo first!”

But–

BaileyBedroom11

“MOO!”

Sigh. Fine. I’ll be back later.

BaileyBedroom12

“You’d better be. You’d. Better. Be.”

Bailey Boots #5

Update on “Rise of the Nefarious Numbots”

Posted in Books, Family, Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 7, 2014 by Jessica Crichton

Well, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is: “Dr. Fixit’s Malicious Machine” — now published through Second Wind Publishing LLC (YAY!) — will be available at Spocon, as will “The Counterfeit Zombies of Noc”, both with updated covers (pictured below). Of course I will also be there in person to sign, talk, and teach!

Now for the bad news.

“Rise of the Nefarious Numbots” will not be available at Spocon this year after all. This was a difficult decision, but in the end I chose to ensure a quality story for my readers rather than rushing the story so it will be out quickly. I plan on having “Numbots” available in a small scale in September, at Glamirita Clothing and Accessories in the Garland District in Spokane. It will also be available to order online for one day only as an Amazon title, before switching over to Second Wind Publishing for national release. I will let you all know when that will be as soon as I am able.

Thank you all for your patience. I promise it will be worth it! 
drfixitCoverFinalFrontTZONPrintCoverFrontFinishedNumbotsCoverFront1

Tipani Walker and the Nightmare Club

Posted in Fantasy, Fiction, Writing with tags , , , , on February 14, 2014 by Jessica Crichton

HawkHill flying tall and proud,
HummStreet unseen among the crowd,
BriarRaven lost within her shroud.
Pull the veil, tear the seam,
and walk where wakers only dream.

John M. Cusick

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